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Wednesday, October 23, 2013
For years I have struggled with the emotions that filled me. I have struggled to strangle them. Not only the emotions but my opinions because I believed that they caused issues in conversations with those that were "normal". What I discovered is that there is no such thing as "normal". There are sections of society that agree with each other on a plethora of beliefs that fit into a mold that want to be called normal. They are not the same and don't agree on absolutely everything but they agree enough and because of that I was raised to believe that my feelings, my notions, my opinions and even my beliefs were wrong.

I am normal. I am normal for me, because I am me, and there is nothing wrong with being me.

I grew up with authority figures who demeaned the color of my clothing. "You should wear pastels instead of black." But black is my favorite color. It does not make me a devil worshiper or evil in any way shape or form. It is a color that I like. I like it because it goes with everything.

As I entered puberty, I realized I wasn't the same as most of my classmates. It seemed that I liked people for who they were, for how they treated each other, for all the reasons that felt important for me, but not for the reason that everyone else thought that I should. I did not care what gender they were. I often got, "Well what do you like about boys/girls." The answer was always difficult to explain because it wasn't the shape of their bodies or the way they dressed. It was their humanity that attracted me to someone.

The relationship that I am involved in now came about because of something that I witnessed him doing. Several years later we married. Our marriage has survived 21 years and we have grown together to become better people.

I am a woman, married to a man, and I still call myself bisexual. Being in a heterosexual marriage, does not lessen my attraction to women and other men. I just know that my love for my husband is strong enough that I don't need another person to satisfy me.

Being bisexual does not make me a cheater, a sexually depraved individual. I am not a slut or a whore, which has been inferred because I am bisexual.

My sexuality has not influenced my children to be gay. They didn't choose their sexuality any more than I did. My daughters are all different. I often make light of the fact that I one of each. One that is a lesbian, one that is a bisexual and one that is straight. It is not a joke though and making light of it is a mistake I made. I know now and that is going to change. I love my girls and I would want them to know that there is not part of them that I think is a joke. Well except for my youngest and her wonderful sense of humor.

During my youth I listened to adults confer with each other about who they thought I was. Making up their minds based on how I dressed, who my friends were, what music I enjoyed etc... They were confused, I confused them. I listened to several different kinds of music old and new at the time, I was friends with anyone who wanted a friend and knew how to be one. I dressed, well, differently. I wore a lot of black. I loved my boots. I favored skirts on top of leggings or just the leggings. I loved my trench coat ( yeah even in Georgia's humid hot summers).

I endured overheard conversations from northern relatives about how I scared them with my "look". Teachers commented on how I would be a pretty girl if I tried hard enough, and how my face was beautiful if I would just lose the weight. Yeah growing up was difficult only because I did not fit into that normal box.

I never wanted to fit into a box. I don't think we belong in boxes that someone else creates. I think we should dress how we feel comfortable, love who we love, listen to what we enjoy hearing and fit into the sleeve we create ourselves for ourselves.

I have watched too many youths, since my youth become sad tortured and in a few horrible instances succumb to suicide because of the many hands trying to shove our uniquely shaped bodies into those tiny boxes. We don't fit. I have held the hand of children, afraid to be who they are because they have heard others bash one thing or another that their child identifies with. I have watched children, dress and act like they are told to simply keep the outward peace in their home, while inward their emotions are in turmoil. They are tortured into a corner to keep the individuals in their life that who will not bend or see that everyone is different for a reason.

Some blame it on the way they were raised. It is what I believe because it was how I was raised. Fine I was raised that way to but I was open minded enough to realize that my opinions/beliefs were mine because I believed them, not just because I was raised in them. Some blame it on their religion. I won't go there because I respect others religions as a personal relationship with the diety/ies of their choice. I will just say that a book written by someone else is not going to dictate my feelings.

Having three daughters I have dealt with school boards and the plethora of rules that they hand down on how a child is supposed to look to attend their schools. I shake my head. I agree with the sexual and drug/alcohol explicit styles not being there. I disagree with a lot of other things. Let them wear their hair the way they want. If they want to shave it in stripes or color it purple with pink polka dots, let them. If they want to wear blue jeans and a skirt at the same time, I say go for it. Why you may ask in a time of such bullying and meanness that has developed in our country? Because they only get to be young once in their lives. Because dictating how they dress, wear their hair, have piercings etc... takes away a child's individuality. It punishes them instead of teaching children to get along with those around them that are different, or that they dislike.

No one should be normal. We should love our differences that make us individuals and we should encourage children to be themselves. No one really fits inside of the normal box, not even the people that create them.  


Katy S said...

Hear, hear! Beautifully said.

A.B. Shepherd said...

I used to get the pretty face comment too, because I've always been bigger than society felt appropriate.

I've struggled a lot in my life trying to figure out who and what I am and believe in.

It is only now, in my 50s, that I have come to really accept myself. How sad is that?

Well said Leanne. Well said.

lady reader said...

You are seriously an inspiration. I wish more people were like you, maybe this world would not be so effed up. I'm so glad you found your way into my life. You are truly one of the beautiful people. I heart you. xx